


Found Wanting

by 28ghosts



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Pining, Post-Canon, Trill Identity Weirdness, dwells on a canonical character death, past Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys, past Julian Bashir/Ezri Dax - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-31 23:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17858843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/28ghosts/pseuds/28ghosts
Summary: There's one of Jadzia's memories in particular that Ezri thinks a lot about.-Ezri tries not to be shy in remembering. It’s self-destructive. Theyareher memories. She isn’t just Ezri anymore, but instead part of what will hopefully be an unbroken string of consciousness and belief and memory stretching through centuries. The next host will do the same with what Ezri lives and remembers. The memories are hers to revel in or shrink away from, whatever comes most naturally.





	Found Wanting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thericketandoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thericketandoo/gifts).



> Originally posted [on Tumblr](https://adigeon.tumblr.com/post/175588767992/kiss-prompts-number-16-ezrinerys) based on a prompt, now edited and reposted here.

Ezri isn’t Jadzia, but she is Dax. It’s a frustrating divide to keep straight in her head, and living on DS9 doesn’t make it easier. Even with so many of Jadzia’s – Ezri’s – Dax’s friends gone now, the lights and halls of the stations are the same as they ever were. The same as they were to Jadzia.

When it comes to friends, there’s really only Kira left. And Quark, too, though Ezri hasn’t quite figured out why Jadzia had put up with him as much as she did. Ezri hasn’t decided if it’s easier with Julian gone or not, keeping Jadzia-or-Dax straight in her head. Julian had always been the best at treating her as Dax-but-not-Jadzia, after all. But whether or not it’s _easier_ , Julian had been right – Ezri is, a little shamefully, _relieved_ that he’s gone.

Maybe what’s strangest about sorting through Jadzia’s memories is that Jadzia had had room in her for more than Ezri does. Jadzia was always bounding out towards something – a new person to play dabo with; a never-before-discovered specimen of something; a new friend or a new lover. Ezri isn’t like that. Ezri Tigan hadn’t been like that, either, and Ezri Dax isn’t now. Yes, she’s turned to Starfleet. Yes, she feels more at home in space than she ever did, say, on Earth. But her studies are more inward.

The last thing Ezri wants to do as a counselor is discover something new. That’s never good.

Then again, Ezri may not have room in her like Jadzia did, but at least her nightmares about Joran only leave her shaken for a few minutes, even though they’re better informed than Jadzia’s ever were. Jadzia sometimes had trouble sleeping for days after her nightmares about him, not that she ever told anyone. Not even Benjamin.

Strange to think about that. In Jadzia’s death, Ezri is the closest confidant Jadzia ever let herself have.

* * *

Theoretically, Ezri had known Jadzia’s friends well before even arriving on the station. Benjamin most of all. But seeing someone Dax knew for the first time was always weird – it was the _height_ , that was the thing. Dax expected to see faces a certain way, and Dax, well, isn’t six feet tall anymore. Faces look different from her new height. Everyone’s chins seem bigger, for one.

It’s like seeing a part of the world that Jadzia hadn’t had access to. Ezri gets to slot her new information alongside what Jadzia had once had, and it’s always funny what suddenly seems so obvious or weird. Julian had seemed intimidatingly tall since she’d expected him to be her height, for one. The shock of him towering over her had nearly made her drop a drink on more than one occasion.

But it hadn’t been just physical things. Julian hadn’t just seemed taller; he’d seemed easier to wound, too. And Benjamin had seemed more worn, dealing with the war more poorly than Jadzia had thought he was. There were memories of Jadzia’s that Ezri couldn’t recall without wincing just because Jadzia had been so much better at telling people when to beat it. Where Ezri made polite exits and excuses, Jadzia made rivals and sporting enemies, or if she had to be rude, she was at least funny about it.

Kira doesn’t seem that much different, though. Kira is mostly the same.

Besides the height thing.

* * *

It isn’t only Jadzia’s memories that Ezri has, of course. Curzon’s and Joran’s and all the others. But Jadzia’s feel newest, strangest.

Curzon’s memories come with Jadzia’s memories of remembering them. Remembering Benjamin throwing the first punch in a bar fight comes with Jadzia’s fondness in finding that memory for the first time, and Lela’s memories are crystal-clear but layered with the emotions of so many hosts that it’s hard to trace back certain feelings to certain people. Lela watched this sunset once, on Trill – Dax has never seen anything like it since. All the hosts have thought about that one a lot.

Ezri tries not to be shy in remembering. It’s self-destructive. They _are_ her memories. She isn’t just Ezri anymore, but instead part of what will hopefully be an unbroken string of consciousness and belief and memory stretching through centuries. The next host will do the same with what Ezri lives and remembers. The memories are hers to revel in or shrink away from, whatever comes most naturally.

But the memory she returns to most of all is Jadzia and Kira in one of the holosuites, part of Jadzia’s one-Trill quest to get Kira to take it easy every once and awhile. Tonight, sleep isn’t coming easily. Ezri rolls onto her side, pillow held close to her chest. It’s awkward remembering the people Jadzia had slept with, though she thinks about having slept with Kira more often than she’d like to admit. Mostly, though, it’s times when they just spent time together that Ezri likes to think about. Likes to think about when she was taller and more confident and meant for this life, being a joined Trill, when she could look down at Kira shorter than her and tilt Kira’s chin up with one finger and duck to kiss Kira’s nose, wrinkled up in annoyance.

She’d like to do that again. It would be different now, because she’s Dax but she’s not Jadzia. And she’s shorter than Jadzia was, and even though she’s still 700 years old, somehow now she doesn’t feel it, not like Jadzia did.

But she wants the same things. Maybe more than Jadzia did. She shoves her face into the pillow as a blush rises to her cheeks, just from remembering. She wants. She really, really wants.


End file.
